Grumpy Side-Eye and Shiny Things

Three things you should know first;

1. I am an Academy Award Show fanatic. (For example, in the lead to up this year I read a Vanity Fair recap of the 1995 Oscars – WITH PHOTOS PEOPLE!!! ) Its here – http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2015/02/1995-oscars-recap

2. I have an unhealthy level of knowledge of Hollywood and it’s victims, sorry, participants.

3. I am willing and able to endure hours and hours of over-choreographed televised ‘Everybody on Their Best Behaviour for the Benefit of Your Career’ thingys.

Right-o, onwards.

The Oscars is the ultimate feast for the Hollywood addicted and I am overdosing.

It is all just

so excellently ridiculous,

so painfully uncomfortable,

so unfriendly with a painted smile,

so name-droppy,

so trying-hard to be famous and relevant,

so beautiful,

so trying to look good,

so should have aged gracefully,

so shiny,

so dressed by someone else,

so fumbled-my-lines but it’s cute,

so nearly nude,

so nearly tactful,

SO SO SHINY,

so fumbling,

so serious,

so not serious,

so taking myself seriously,

so messed that joke up,

so wrong

and somehow, scarily, so goddamn right.

All I can think about when I sit down every year is whether or not we will have the extended joy of watching two people who hate each other sitting in adjoining seats. What ensues is the unbridled joy of seeing them wonder ‘WHOSE EFFING AGENT FUCKED THIS UP YOURS OR MINE???’. I saw a bit of it this year but was disappointed. The pinnacle was ScarJo seemingly giving the camera some grumpy side-eye as it unexpectedly tracked it’s way past her position (I think she was still trying to work out how to wash off the Travolta). It’s the look that Beyonce has on her face every time she is sat next to Mrs Kartrashian-West at a fashion show, kinda the; there are cameras, one must smile, but if I show this bitch I like her for even one second then I’m fucked’ look. If you know what I mean.

Anyway, I thought this year was way, way down on the cringies (NPH I forgive you) and way, way UPPPPP on the music performances. I mean, Lady Gaga’s performance was goddamn ridiculous. That lady can sing the shit outta anything and has politely reminded us so. She was obviously also really truly humbled by the experience and was so busy hugging it out with Andrews that she very nearly forgot to introduce her. The hug did seem spontaneous and possibly created some continuity issues there with the ‘you get off now you walk on’ stuff. They should have just let them stand there and hug it out until next year and then they could have ceremoniously prised them apart as a key section of the opening number….Did I just tangent again? Sorry.

All the shiny things!!! Wow……..There were more than usual this year including a special focus on the ‘My dress is boring as shit but CHECK OUT THIS NECKLACE’, which I like. Blanchett is copping it for not trying but I thought it all looked excellent. Back to ScarJo who also dominated the category ‘Larger Than My Head Neck Pieces’. This is not a ScarJo fan piece I promise. What she wore was simply divine, the green of her dress was inspired and the thing adorning her decolletage was, well, epic. And it sort of made it look like her head was detachable but I kinda get the vibe that she is really a robot anyway so it wasn’t too distracting for me. However, her introduction of whatever it was had me wondering if someone overdid it on the Nyquil and Vodka in the limo….

So for all the shinyness and grumpy side-eye (fingers crossed for actual seat squabbles next year!) I am calling the 2015 Oscars a good one. Oh and this morning I saw the vine going around of Michael Keating stuffing his best actor speech into his pocket right after he lost and it really is quite sad. Don’t let it get you down!! Ahhh Hollywood!!  https://celebrity.yahoo.com/news/michael-keaton-puts-away-oscars-acceptance-speech-saddest-152000591-us-weekly.html

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